June 9, 2008

I’d thought long and hard about whether or not I want to get into all of this, however I feel like writing about it… like I do every year. June 9, 2008 was the worst day of my life. I went through so much.

I woke up to discover that my 1 month old little newborn had passed away during the night. He was gone. Just like that. I went to bed expecting the day to be like others. Me taking care of Kalyb, Mason going to Day care, Ray going to work, and me playing video games and cleaning whenever I got the chance. However the day wasn’t like that at all.

Instead it was full of grief, pain, questions, police cars, ambulances, and accusations. The day was awful. I’d lost my older son, Mason too. DCF was called and they took Mason from me due to the unknown reason our newborn passed. By the time the autopsy was done, we’d already had a case plan. So we couldn’t turn back so we had to go through a bunch of hoops to get Mason back.

It was a very hard road. I couldn’t help but wonder if there were any signs I missed, or anything I could’ve done instead. Sometimes SIDS doesn’t give you a choice. Sometimes SIDS just happens… that’s the reason the first S stands for SUDDEN! It didn’t stop the accusations however. I lost friends, and my in-laws blamed me. They still do. However there’s nothing I could do or can do about it. Their opinions are just that.

Life goes on. ‘It’ll get better in time!’ ‘The pain won’t last!’ ‘It’ll shrink in size!’ Yet I’m still waiting. It still feels as strong and flooring as when it all happened years ago. The pain still hurts. The holidays break my heart. All the presents he can’t smile for… all of the candy he can’t eat on Halloween… all of the family he never got to meet… all of the Christmas Celebrations he can’t enjoy… I just don’t understand how to recover from this. I just want him here with me today…

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