Archive | December 2016

Cancer Really Sucks

I’ve always known this about Cancer, and I’ve always dreaded the possibility of getting it or anyone else I know getting it. Hell, anyone getting it at all. It’s so scary.

Now I’ve had Pre-Cancer, so I know the demon is in my body. I actually have Pre-Cancer now. It’s come back after having it removed. Now mine is Pre-Cancerous, but this doesn’t make it any less scary. When that big “C” word comes into play you never know the possibility of its’ evilness. Now you can say cancer isn’t evil, but it is. It so is. It doesn’t matter if it happens to you, me, or our family. Even our enemies (Let’s face it, we all have one). Cancer is evil.

The scary thing is, I know that everything causes cancer nowadays. I was initially diagnosed in 2008, after my son Kalyb had passed away. It scared me so much that I ran away from the problem. I took only 1 Gardasil shot, and I’m regretting now that I didn’t finish it. In 2010, I was informed it was worse. Yet I ran away again. I kept running from it until 2013. I finally grew a pair and went off to get the colposcopy (the whole reason I was ignoring it was fear of the colposcopy) and it had gotten worse still. I ignored it until it was stage 4 pre-cancerous. Finally, I managed to get it removed, and it was fine. Until I got a phone call that it had indeed come back. Yet again, I went off and got the colposcopy instead of waiting. Past experience told me that waiting wasn’t an option. Well, they called to tell me it was only CIN-1 I think? Yeah. Anyway, I was told that it should go away on its own. Do I believe that? Not this time. Last time I was referred to the colposcopy and ran away so I don’t know what it was when I first was diagnosed with it. Now I know, or at least I’ve heard, that once cancer is in your system, your system becomes fair game. It’s always there. Lurking; Hiding. Eventually rearing it’s ugly head again. I believe this will develop to CIN-2 or CIN-3 before my scheduled colposcopy next year.

Anyway, the point of this article is how much I hate cancer. First, you should know that I don’t hate anyone or anything easily. I only can truly say I hate one person. Only one. So when I say I hate cancer, I really mean it.

When I was left for dead in 2012 (and I do say left for dead seriously), I had family that stood up to help me. I had a baby and her father up and left me and her high and dry. My mother bought stuff for the baby at the last minute and brought us both home. When I was able, I used a computer to reach out to, really anyone. I wasn’t expecting my cousin to be one of those people I’d reached out to. However, I found her really comforting. My two best friends and sisters were too, but my cousin was the unexpected force I had no idea I even needed.

She messaged me, commented on my stuff, and really brought the positivity and light into my life that I so desperately needed. At the time I didn’t know what I was going to do. My life was (for the dramatic) over. She gave me encouragement, enlightenment, love, kindness, patience, and understanding. I bonded with her in that time, and even though our conversations grew few and farther in between, I held that connection as hard as I could. I turned to her for advice and help as I needed it because her guidance was really helpful. It took me a while to grow into my new existence, but she made it easier. She made it possible. She gave me strength to do it.

Now, I hate the “C” word, because it has attacked my cousin. That’s right. I said attacked. She got breast cancer, went through with the treatments and for a little while, everything was okay. For a little while, she was getting better. Then, as if it was hiding and waiting, it came back. It had spread through her body in the time she was recovering. When she thought she had won, it was silently dominating. Now I hate explaining it this way but I really feel like cancer is the devil’s venom. I’m not a religious person, but I know my cousin is. For her, I’ll try to relate as best as I can. My cousin has touched so many lives. She lives in a positive light. Always encouraging, helping and loving others. She doesn’t put a single bit of bad karma in the world.

That’s the thing. The thing that brings the age old question, “Why do bad things always happen to good people?” And the answer is…. I don’t know. I found a quote that I believe sums up what I believe.


The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.

-Elizabeth Kubler Ros

My cousin is such a beautiful person. Her soul is that of an angel. This is my opinion, of course. She doesn’t deserve for this venom to invade her vessel. Not in her soul. Not in her bones, or her skin, or her blood. She doesn’t deserve this venom. Why is it that the best people are always the ones who suffer?

She is the reason I am who I am. Well, most of the reason why I changed from who I used to be. Her love, patience, understanding, compassion, kindness, and heart are all influences in my life. In who I’ve become. I won’t lie, until I fell on my butt, I didn’t give much family stuff a second thought. It was what it was and I used to be okay with that. Until I fell on my butt and it was family, who helped me. She was, and is, so enlightening and so enriching to me. I changed some characteristics because I wanted to make her proud. I wanted to make her feel her own light. She is such a positive influence on my life that her sudden news is devastatingly scary for me. I don’t want to mourn. I don’t want her to go. I don’t want to lose her.

I truly hope that each of you reading this understands and has this wonderful light in their life. Someone who lifts you up and expects nothing in return but the appreciation of their advice. My cousin is a wonderful woman and she doesn’t deserve this. She has stage-4 breast cancer. This is the stage where it has metastasized into other parts of her body. It’s in her bones.

“My husband and I were in shock,” said Pollastro of her mets diagnosis. “You don’t go from being cured to stage 4.”

I found an article to help me with this blog post. That one sentence there describes the shock I can only imagine my sweet cousin must have felt.

I’ve cried for her. For me. For her family. For fear. I’ve cried out of anger about this venom. I’ve cried out of pure pain for her. She means that much to me, and this venom is invading her vessel. This venom is hurting a light.

My sweet cousin, you don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve this venom in your bones. You don’t deserve this pain and this awfulness. You deserve the world. A full life.  You deserve the life you’ve worked so hard to build. I’m sure you’re tired of hearing this anger, and this “you don’t deserve this”, but it’s all true. I don’t want you to deal with this. I don’t want to handle this. I want it to stop and go away. I want you to recover and get better. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. To your family. This is such an act of cruelty that even I can’t comprehend as to why you have to go through this.