Tag Archive | life

It’s Getting Personal

Have you ever felt like you needed to put up a wall? Not a real one, but like an emotional one. One meant to protect yourself from others, or others from you. What happens if someone pushes that wall? Is it secure enough to handle it? Is it strong enough to be unmovable?

What if you agree to moving the wall, only to find that you’re uncomfortable. Do you avoid it? Do you do it anyway? Where do you draw the alarms? Where do you need support or how do you change your mind?

I’m faced with a task that I don’t think I can handle. I don’t think I’m able, or ready. I don’t think I can. I feel like I have no choice, but inside I’m screaming for a way out of it. I hate this fear. I have no idea what to do so I feel like I’m frozen in place. I need to keep buying time. I need to try and put it off. I don’t want to face it, but I know it’s either face it or not. I have no idea what my next step is.

A part of me thinks I need to tear down this wall and face the next task. Why am I holding back so much?


Computer Parts

I’m changing how I label my blog posts, so no more dates. The dates kind of already exist on each post. On to the blog!

I’m actually really excited. Ray and I have finally managed our Finances to the point where we could build me a new computer. Everyone I game with knows I need it. I have an Alienware M17x (2011) and I actually got Caps from Blizzard when I sent my laptop specs, and they said:

“Your wireless Network adapter is 5 YEARS OUT OF DATE!!!”

Haha. It’s a bad day when even big gaming companies are telling you you’re wrong. In my defense, I had just reloaded windows and everything on my laptop and I wasn’t finished installing and updating all of the drivers.

Anyway, I meant to build a new computer back in April, but it didn’t happen. Now we can build it, and it cost less than a pre-built gaming tower would cost. So I’m really excited for this new computer. I have one monitor so I will eventually need to look for a new one, especially since the colors on mine are off, and the monitor is probably older than my Alienware. I’d assume it’s about, 7 years old? I can use my keyboard and mouse, so I don’t need to worry about that either. I’m so excited, I just can’t express it enough.

I am working really hard on my vlogging channel on YouTube. I’ve actually seen an increase in subscribers which makes me pretty excited. I’d be shocked if I made it to just 200! Anything beyond that is just crazy.

I don’t want to make this blog post too long, so I’m going to end it here. I may post again today, I might not. Have a good one guys!

July 31, 2016 – Nothing…

I never really gave it much thought, but figuring out what to do in my free time is always used minimally. It’s a toss up between browsing my Facebook timeline over and over, re-pinning new ways to do my house, watching repeated Hulu and Netflix streams, or being puzzled over which video game to play. I feel like I never use my free time wisely.

I’ve graduated from College and I received my certificate just Yesterday! It’s already been shared on Facebook, Framed, and is waiting for the perfect spot to be displayed. I didn’t buy a frame with a stand, just a frame with nail slots. I’ll buy a better one after I get a new job! I’m so excited and proud of myself for doing this. I feel like some of my local friends aren’t happy for me. I may want to host a Graduation party for myself because as much as I’d LOVE to celebrate, I feel like I should throw a party because it is a huge accomplishment. It’s a life changing accomplishment and it deserves recognition.

Mason, Aidan and Liliana have been spending their days rather averagely. What I mean by this is my sons spend their time wanting to watch Netflix, play video games, or watch TV. Liliana destroys the house. It’s been like this for a week and I as a mom, just want them to go outside. SO I picked up something that will help get them in the right direction. I’m going to be working on it over the next few days, and I hope it does what I need. I’ll be sharing it when I’m done, so just be patient. I’m trying to work on a lot… and procrastination is my biggest issue right now.

Well, until next time. I hope you enjoyed this read. 🙂

June 30, 2016

Today was probably the worst I’ve had in a while. Let me explain why.

So I’ve been on Effexor since May 17, and I didn’t like it at first, but as the time went on and I adjusted, I noticed my energy level dwindled. I was uninterested in the things I loved. I didn’t want to clean, do homework, or leave the house. I didn’t want to do anything but sleep. Now I’m out of this medication, and let me tell you… today was awful. Let me tell you about it.

So I woke up at 1:30… yes PM! We got up, got dressed, and headed out for the days task. We had decided to take the kids out to the grocery store with us while we restocked because everyone had been cooped in the house for the last week! We made a stop for lunch before getting groceries (let’s face it… It’s a bad idea to shop hungry!) and I think it was a bad idea. We’d been eating home cooked meals and drinking water. So the introduction to fast food and sugary beverages hurt all of us more than helped us. Ray didn’t feel good, Mason felt sick to his stomach, Aidan was dizzy, and me? I was light headed, disoriented, and dizzy the entire trip! Everyone ended up needing to do their business while at Walmart. It was pretty awful. We spent three hours at Walmart doing our shopping and restocking trip. All of which I spent dizzy and confused.

We had left, went to GameStop to get a game only to find out it was actually cheaper BRAND NEW at Walmart. So back we went. Finally getting home, I was clear enough to record a shopping haul vlog for my YouTube channel, and then after dinner my disorientation came rushing back. I’ve been sitting here for most of the night now, and as you can probably tell it’s technically July 1. It’s almost Four in the morning now.

Now I’m still needing to edit a vlog for YouTube, but I’m still dizzy. To make matters more annoying, during correspondence with my doctor about refilling my medication, my doctor decided to use the statement, “Your medication has been bridged until your appointment time”, and no one knows what she meant. So I had to send another message, which makes today (July 1) day three of trying to get my medication refilled. This is really annoying, and I hope that the message tomorrow will state that my medication has been refilled until the day of my appointment. I am just dizzy mostly… light headed, and dizzy. This isn’t a pleasant feeling. To be dizzy after spinning a chair can be closely compared to how dizzy I am. So go ahead and spin around until you’re dizzy and lightheaded, and then imagine feeling that way all. Day. Long. Yes, it’s a nightmare. So I am ending this blog, and I’m going to edit my Vlog so I can get some rest. Good night family!

June 9, 2008

I’d thought long and hard about whether or not I want to get into all of this, however I feel like writing about it… like I do every year. June 9, 2008 was the worst day of my life. I went through so much.

I woke up to discover that my 1 month old little newborn had passed away during the night. He was gone. Just like that. I went to bed expecting the day to be like others. Me taking care of Kalyb, Mason going to Day care, Ray going to work, and me playing video games and cleaning whenever I got the chance. However the day wasn’t like that at all.

Instead it was full of grief, pain, questions, police cars, ambulances, and accusations. The day was awful. I’d lost my older son, Mason too. DCF was called and they took Mason from me due to the unknown reason our newborn passed. By the time the autopsy was done, we’d already had a case plan. So we couldn’t turn back so we had to go through a bunch of hoops to get Mason back.

It was a very hard road. I couldn’t help but wonder if there were any signs I missed, or anything I could’ve done instead. Sometimes SIDS doesn’t give you a choice. Sometimes SIDS just happens… that’s the reason the first S stands for SUDDEN! It didn’t stop the accusations however. I lost friends, and my in-laws blamed me. They still do. However there’s nothing I could do or can do about it. Their opinions are just that.

Life goes on. ‘It’ll get better in time!’ ‘The pain won’t last!’ ‘It’ll shrink in size!’ Yet I’m still waiting. It still feels as strong and flooring as when it all happened years ago. The pain still hurts. The holidays break my heart. All the presents he can’t smile for… all of the candy he can’t eat on Halloween… all of the family he never got to meet… all of the Christmas Celebrations he can’t enjoy… I just don’t understand how to recover from this. I just want him here with me today…

First Blog Entry

It’s currently 3:10 am. Why am I up this late? One reason is because of insomnia. Another reason is because I’ve been working!

All day today I didn’t give myself the time to relax. Between chores, and working, I just didn’t have the time to spend to let myself relax! Now I still have more working to do, and I love that I have a new Blog. I’ve been looking for a good place for a while, and a lot of friends recommended I try WordPress, so here I am! It seems simple enough.

My tasks include, but aren’t limited to:

  • Normal mom chores
  • Mom of 3 duties
  • Wife duties
  • YouTube Vlogging (Filming, Editing, Posting)
  • School Work
  • Scentsy Selling
  • Administrative Tasks Online

So between just these 7 things, my day can be pretty full. I’m also on a whole new medication which is making things pretty complicated. I may not even keep up with this Blog if I get into a good rhythm with my YouTube Channel. So this is it for my first blog, mostly because of how late it is and how much I still need to get done. I’ll be working on this page again over the next few days too. -Devon Danielle